


To Be, Or Not To Be

by coldfusion9797



Series: Improbable Fiction [3]
Category: Kingsman (Movies) RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Spoilers, Break Up, Caring Sebastian, Crying, M/M, Multi, Reunions, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-25
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-05-13 12:34:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14748971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldfusion9797/pseuds/coldfusion9797
Summary: Tom reaches breaking point, and there's only one thing that can make him whole again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Because Tom is broken and I wanted to give him a happy ending.

Since last July they'd seen each other a bit. Getting together with Taron was always good, because it was fun and easy. There was no pressure or expectation in their relationship, and the sex was always great. Tom was feeling better than he had in a long time, which he attributed to a combination of drawing back from the spotlight, and having Taron in his life.

When Tom's phone rang and he saw Taron's name, he expected more of the same. 

"Taron," he answered, unable to keep the smile out of his voice. Over the last eight months, Taron had been the brightest part of his life.

"Tom, it finally happened," Taron said excitedly. "Colin's marriage is over."

Oh. Tom felt like he'd been punched in the gut, suddenly he couldn't remember how to take a proper breath. But then he realised that this was what they'd been waiting for. It had never been about them, and always about Colin and... and Chris. 

"I... You sound very happy about that."

"I am. He called me. We're going to meet up. I mean, this could be it, Tom. It might all be worth it."

Those words were like an icy hand around his heart. But he knew he had no right to begrudge Taron this, they'd always been clear about the nature of their relationship. Except Tom was now realising that maybe it had meant more to him than he'd ever been able to admit to himself. But Taron sounded so happy and Tom couldn't take that away from him. 

"I'm happy for you, Taron. Let me know how it goes. I want you to find your happy ending. Truly."

There was a beat of silence and Tom wished he'd put a little more conviction into his voice.

"You okay?" 

"Yes, of course. Just dreading this upcoming publicity tour. Another three weeks of Marvel mania."

"And Chris," Taron astutely observed. 

"Yes," Tom sighed. "And Chris."

"Call me if it gets too much."

"Thank you. But I hope you'll be far too distracted to take my calls."

"Me too," Taron admitted, and Tom could hear the smile in his voice again. No, he couldn't not want this for Taron. And he couldn't tarnish it in any way.

"Alright," Tom said, forcing himself to be cheerful. "Go get him."

"I will. And thanks for everything Tom. I'm glad we had each other for a little while."

"Me too," Tom said, the first tear gliding down his cheek. "Goodbye Taron."

"Bye Tom." The line went dead and Tom let go. He cried for another lost love. He hadn't thought it possible for a broken heart to break all over again. He'd been wrong.

\---

He thought if he just went through the motions, put one foot in front of the other, he'd be okay. He was a Golden Globe winning actor, why couldn't he just play the part of a movie star who still gave a shit? What was three weeks when movie shoots took months? And the tour would be a good distraction, he wouldn't have time to dwell on losing Taron.

Tonight's event was in New York. It seemed unnecessary. Seriously, if people were unaware of the MCU at this stage, chances were they were never going to be interested. Still, he was contractually obliged to show up and smile. 

At first it was actually not too bad a distraction. Sebastian and Elizabeth were easy to get along with, and he needed the hugs they gave him. In a way he felt like a fraud, he was only in the first five minutes of the movie, and he knew now why Sophie Cookson had been absent from the Golden Circle media events. But the Russo's had insisted upon no spoilers, so he was to pretend that Loki was still important to the franchise. 

He tolerated the media, and was keeping it together pretty well, until he pulled his phone from his pocket and found a message from Taron.

It was a picture of him and Colin. They were together. Taron was in love, it was so plain to see. And it was too much. The weight of his failures came crashing down on him.

"Tom? Tom..." It was Sebastian's voice. "You okay?"

Big, blue eyes were looking at him with such concern. He shook his head, he couldn't speak. He was gonna burst into tears if he tried.

"What's wrong?" 

Tom just shook his head again.

"Okay. It's okay. We're done here anyway. We'll skip the after party. Come on, let's go."

He let Sebastian take the lead, all Tom could do was follow. 

They ended up back at an apartment.

"This is where you live," Tom realised.

"Yeah," Sebastian said, handing him a glass of water. "I thought getting away from the cameras would be a good idea."

It was. Marvel would certainly concur. 

"Thank you," Tom said, taking a sip of his water.

"What happened?"

What could Tom say? _The boy I was fucking to make his co-star jealous finally got that co-star to notice him and now I'm the jealous one?_ He thought it better to keep that to himself.

Sebastian crouched down in front of him, fixing him with a steady look.

"Is it an anxiety issue? Chris struggles with that a lot. It's okay if it is. I understand."

God, Sebastian was so wonderful. Chris was a very lucky man. Lucky in a way Tom never would be. His throat tightened and he couldn't hold back the fresh wave of tears. 

"Alright," Sebastian said. "Just wait there. I'm gonna make a call."

Tom knew his behaviour wasn't fair on Sebastian but he supposed it was better than having a complete fucking melt down in front of the whole world on the eve of what could possibly be the biggest movie ever being released. 

He was wiping his face when Sebastian came back.

"Chris is on his way."

Tom felt awful, now he'd dragged Chris into it too. He had a much bigger part of this load to bear, he was Steve Rogers after all, not to mention he was currently in the middle of a Broadway run. This was drama he didn't need.

"I'm sorry," Tom apologised.

"It's okay," Sebastian assured him. "We all struggle sometimes. We're lucky to have each other for support through all this."

Tom just nodded. He couldn't argue that he was alone when Sebastian was right here in front of him. 

"I'm not gonna push the point, but I'm right here if you want to talk. I'm a good listener."

Tom believed him, but there was nothing to say. 

Fifteen minutes later there was a demanding knock on the door. 

"That'll be Chris," Sebastian said. Tom was surprised he didn't have a key of his own.

When Sebastian came back, it wasn't Chris Evans with him, it was Chris Hemsworth. _His_ Chris. Once upon a time seeing him had been the most welcome sight in the world, but now... Oh fuck, who the hell was he kidding? It still was. And just like that he was crying again. Because on some level, the fact that he was standing here, meant that Chris still cared.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of wishing I hadn't started writing this, it's too damn sad.

Tom was distraught, Chris hated seeing him like this. He knelt down in front of the man who had once meant everything to him and pulled Tom's hands into his own. 

"What is it mate? What's wrong?"

Tom stared down at their joined hands for a minute before heaving out a sigh and pulling his own away.

He wiped his eyes, took a sip of water, and muttered the word 'nothing' never once looking Chris in the eye. Well it definitely wasn't nothing, it was clearly something.

"Hey come on," Chris coaxed, sliding his hand over Tom's again. "Look at me."

Slowly, Tom raised his glassy eyes to meet Chris'. "Talk to me. What's the matter?"

When the words came they were soft and shaky. 

"I'm not good enough."

"What? That's not true."

Tom stared back at him, hands trembling, on the verge of tears again. 

"Then why doesn't anyone want me?"

The words hit Chris hard, he couldn't believe how badly he'd fucked this up.

And he had no idea what to say to make it better. How could he make up for years of heartache in a few words? So he didn't say anything. He just leaned in and wrapped Tom up in as tight a hug as he dared, hoping Tom would feel that their connection still existed. That even though it might have changed form over the years, the bond between them was for life.

Tom clung to him and Chris could feel him crying again.

"I wish you loved me..."

"I do," Chris told him. "I always have. But life doesn't work on just love."

"It could. Mine could. I've all but given up acting. I don't need it. Not like I need you."

Chris leaned back so he could see Tom's face, needing to gauge how serious he was about this, if he really truly believed they could make it work.

Tom looked so sad, so broken, so desperate for him to just say yes. A year ago when they'd stopped talking, Chris had thought he was doing the right thing. Making a clean break and letting Tom get on with his life. He could see now that it hadn't worked, Tom was in a worse state than he'd ever been.

Chris didn't know what to do, he wanted Tom to be happy, but he knew if he did pursue this that he wasn't only giving up acting, he'd be giving up his family too. His kids were the most important thing in the world to him.

"God I'd love to live in that fairytale with you, Tom," Chris said, brushing a wayward curl off Tom's forehead, momentarily cast back to a different time when they were young and full of impossible dreams. A time before he'd realised that he couldn't have _all_ the things he wanted. Giving Tom up was the price he'd paid to allow most of his dreams to come true. "But I don't think life works like that."

"Leave her, Chris. You spend half your time away from home anyway. You're kids will still love you. You'll still be their father."

He let the fact that he was still in love with Elsa go for now, and focussed on something he thought Tom might be able to understand.

"What about our reputations? You think we could be a part of these movies and be together?"

"No one cares anymore, Chris. God even Australia has caught up with the times, gay marriage is legal there now."

Admittedly, Tom had a point. There had been a definite shift in people's attitudes over the last twelve months. Even the Russo's talked about Steve and Bucky's relationship in ambiguous terms. Marvel hadn't told them not to. But there was so much more to this than public perception. He had a family to take care of, no matter how much he loved Tom. And he did love Tom. Always had. Why did it have to be so hard? He wanted to be a good husband and father, he wanted his kids to have a solid family unit. But he wanted Tom to have his happy ending too. Tom was the most charming, wonderful, amazing, beautiful person he had ever met, and he wanted to give him everything. He couldn't say no to this. Not when Tom needed him so much.

"I can't make any promises..."

Tom looked at him with a heartbreaking mixture of disbelief and hope. He deserved so many good things, and regardless of how he felt about Tom, or what Tom thought he wanted, Chris just wasn't sure he was the one who could give those things to Tom. 

The whole world was narrowing down to this one moment, a lost treasure back within reach. They were on the cusp of finding each other again, when they heard someone else enter the apartment. Chris recognised Chris Evans' voice as he greeted Sebastian.

God, they couldn't do this here he realised. Chris and Sebastian didn't need to witness whatever catastrophe was coming. One way or another, Chris' life was about to blow up big time.

Tom sensed it too. He sniffed and stood up.

"Bathroom?" he asked Sebastian. Seb showed him through. 

Chris stood up and scrubbed his hands over his face. What the hell was he supposed to do now? He wanted to give Tom the world, but he couldn't abandon his family. He couldn't deny Tom, but accepting and returning this love felt selfish. He'd made promises to Elsa, his kids would never understand if he walked out on them.

"I know I just walked into the middle of this," the American Chris said. "But he needs you. We've all been able to see that for years now."

"I know," Chris agreed. "It's just not that simple."

"Either you love him or you don't. And if you do, find a way to make it work. Monogamy isn't the most important thing, honesty is. You owe that to your wife too." 

"Fuck. You're right."

"I know I am. Sebastian is the best thing that ever happened to me. I just had to get past my hang-ups to realise that."

In theory, it all made perfect sense but reality was rarely so clearcut. 

"So what do I do?"

"That's up to you. But I think having an honest discussion about it would be a good start. Don't leave anything unsaid. He's done in these movies. You might not ever see him again."

Again he was right, and that brutal truth scared Chris more than anything.

\---

Tom had pulled himself together enough to thank Sebastian and Chris. Sebastian had told him to call if he needed anything. He'd promised he would. Sebastian was beyond amazing. 

Tom stole a glance at Chris, who sat beside him in the backseat of the cab. There was so much to be said, but they needed to wait for the privacy of Chris' hotel room for that. 

"I didn't know you were coming to New York," Tom said to fill the silence.

"I got a call from someone who told me I should be here."

"Sebastian."

"No. Eddie the Eagle actually."

"Taron called you?" Tom said with surprise. He hadn't realised Taron cared that much. He also wondered how much Chris knew or had guessed. Technically he hadn't been unfaithful because they weren't together, but he didn't want Chris to think badly of him. Or that he'd been easily replaced. No one would ever mean as much to him as Chris did. "Chris..."

"It's alright," Chris said, immediately laying Tom's fears to rest. "He was worried about you."

It seemed like everyone was worried about him these days. He hated being this needy and he didn't want anyone to feel obligated to him. Especially Chris.

"Listen, I don't want you to think you have to do anything. I'm okay. You understand? I won't do anything stupid."

Chris gave him a pained look, and discreetly slid his hand over Tom's.

"No Tom," he said softly, "you're not okay."

Well, considering the amount of tears he'd shed in the last couple of hours, he supposed he couldn't really argue with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dunno why Chris Evans suddenly became a relationship guru, but he did. One more chapter, I think. Thanks for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got around to finishing this. Some people are gonna hate it, but hopefully some are gonna like it too. I wanted to make it as though it could kinda fit in with real life. (At least where the fangirls and paparazzi can't see.) Enjoy.

Chris' statement kept playing over in Chris' head. _Monogamy isn't the most important thing..._

"Make yourself comfortable," he told Tom. "I just have to make a quick call."

Doing this over the phone wasn't ideal, but it was the only option for now. He'd be back home in a week's time, and then he and Elsa could discuss it as much as she wanted. Right now though, Tom was his priority. He couldn't put this off any longer.

"Hey, how are you?" he greeted, doing his best to sound like he normally would.

"We're just having breakfast," his wife answered. She sounded happy and he felt like a monster for what he was about to do to her.

"Listen, there's something I need to talk to you about. I know doing it over the phone isn't right, but I'm out of time..."

There was barely even a pause.

"Tom's with you, isn't he?"

At first, her statement caught him totally by surprise. But then he supposed it shouldn't have. Tom had been a contentious point between them, especially lately because Chris wasn't blind, he could see that Tom was falling apart and that hurt him too.

"How'd you know?"

"I'm not an idiot, Chris. I know how much being estranged from him has hurt you. You've been so quiet lately, then you just took off to New York."

He knew that, that she wasn't stupid. It was part of why he'd been attracted to her in the first place. She had recognised his suffering when no one else had.

"Elsa, I..."

"It's okay, I know how you feel about him. I'm relieved more than anything, I didn't think you'd call first."

"It doesn't mean I love you any less," he offered, both to comfort her and because it was true. She had put up with a lot from him, and had given him the family he'd always wanted. He would always love her for that.

"I know. But you loved him first. Do what you have to and we'll see you next week. Okay?"

"Yeah, you will," he assured her. She was incredible, and he had never loved her more than he did right now. He wanted to tell her that, but he didn't want it to sound fake. It could wait until he saw her. There was only one thing he needed to tell her right now. "Thank you. So much. He needs this."

"Just don't forget we need you too."

"I won't. I promise."

Chris hung up. He wasn't sure where to go from here. In a way, it would've been easier if she'd hated him, he could've left her with less guilt, but he was glad she didn't. He still wanted her in his life.

He went to find Tom.

"Everything alright?" Tom asked.

"Umm, yeah..." Chris answered, still shocked about Elsa's response. Of course he knew she loved him, but he hadn't realised she loved him this much. "That was Elsa."

"Oh..."

"I couldn't cheat on her."

"Of course not," Tom agreed, but Chris could see he'd tensed, that he was steeling himself for another disappointment. He didn't want Tom to have to settle for less than his heart's desire. 

"Tom," he said, closing the gap between them, looking into those beautiful eyes, overwhelmed again by how much love it was possible to feel all at once. "That doesn't mean this can't happen either. She understands."

"Understands what?"

He tucked a curl behind Tom's ear.

"This..." Chris offered, leaning in. Tom's breath caught, and his voice was a whisper. 

"Don't kiss me unless you mean it."

Chris closed the gap and caught Tom's mouth in a slow, sure kiss. 

Tom melted into, and sensing how much it meant to Tom, Chris ached with regret that he had denied Tom this for so long. He wanted to make up for all of it now.

\---

Tom had never felt more conflicted in his life. He wanted this, wanted Chris, with everything he was, but he couldn't have it, only to have it taken away again. That would be the end of him. He tended to do crazy, stupid things when he was upset over Chris, and he had a feeling one more rejection might go nuclear. It called for a preemptive strike.

"No," Tom puffed, pulling away. "No."

"What's wrong?" Chris frowned, clearly confused by the rejection after everything. 

"You're going to regret this. No matter what you say. I don't want that to be the end of our story. I don't want to be a regret for you."

Chris took a moment to gaze at him, eyes full of pain.

"You already are." That stung and Tom couldn't prevent the tears that sprang to his eyes. But then Chris' hand was on his cheek and he looked so sad. "I never should have left you."

In a way it was comforting to hear, but Chris also had things in his life that Tom couldn't have given him.

"You don't mean that," Tom said, gently pulling Chris' hand away and offering him a soft smile to ease the pain. "But I can't have this and lose it. Not again." Surely Chris could appreciate that. 

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Yes you are. You'll never leave your family. I don't blame you for it, it's who you are. You can't change that any more than I can change my feelings for you."

Chris studied him, really looked at him for what felt like the first time in years. They were back on an even playing field, only this time instead of having the excitement of new love in common, it was heartache that united them.

"I never thought I'd meet someone like you," Chris confessed.

Tom didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. He almost felt like he needed to apologise.

"Maybe we just need to be content with what we had." He didn't really believe that, but he wished he did. "For a moment back there we found that perfect happiness which most people never will." He didn't want Chris to go through the rest of his life heavy with guilt. He loved Chris too much to want anything but the best for him. "We could make this a proper goodbye."

He could do that, he decided. Be with Chris one last time, knowing it was the end. He might even be able to enjoy these final hours with all the uncertainty removed. 

Chris however didn't look ready to write this final chapter. 

"No."

"No?" 

"No." Well, Tom supposed Chris hadn't suffered quite like he had. He'd known other things besides misery over the intervening years. Giving up wouldn't be the relief for him that it was for Tom. 

"Chris. Please..."

"Come with me," Chris suddenly said.

"What?"

"When this is done. Come back to Australia with me. Let's see if we can make it work."

Tom couldn't believe what he was hearing. It was absurd. 

"What would I do in Australia?"

"Be with me. It's hard you know, when the dynamic shifts. It was two to one, then suddenly Elsa and I were outnumbered. This would even it up."

Chris was talking about his children. The most precious thing in the world to him and he was offering to share them.

"I... You can't be serious. What about your wife?"

"I already told you she understands. She knows I love you, she knew that before she married me."

"Then why on Earth did she go ahead with it?"

"My heart was broken and she thought she could help. She's a good person. I know how people see her sometimes, but she's strong and practical. She was what I needed, when I needed it. Give her a chance to make it work too."

Tom's head was spinning with possibilities. Outrageous, fanciful things. Could they really have it all?

"So let me make sure I understand this. You are asking me to move to Australia with you, into your family home, with your children and your wife, to be your lover?"

"I'm asking you be part of my family. Yes."

Tom was speechless. There were so many reasons it would never work, could never work, but he had never wanted to try anything more in his entire life.

"You do remember that I live in Byron Bay, right?" Chris grinned.

"Yes," Tom laughed. 

"Yes, you remember? Or yes you will?"

"Both," Tom declared, wrapping his arms around Chris, pressing his smile to Chris' mouth. Chris was all he'd ever wanted and whatever it took to make this work, well that was what Tom was going to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who aren't familiar with Byron Bay, it's an anything goes kinda place. Thanks for reading :)


End file.
